


i am not as fine as i seem (pardon me for yelling, i'm telling you green gardens)

by MarvelousAvengfulSlytherin



Category: Boy Meets World, Girl Meets World
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depressed Riley Matthews, Gen, Original Character(s), Riley Matthews-centric, Self-Discovery, Strained Friendships, Uncle Shawn Hunter, the Riley committee sucks and I'm here to tear it apart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2020-05-16 05:45:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19311838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelousAvengfulSlytherin/pseuds/MarvelousAvengfulSlytherin
Summary: How strange?All it took for a committee that wanted to stunt her, for Riley to take charge of her own destiny... How strange, indeed.(Riley takes charge of her own fate against the world and drags everyone with her down this rabbit hole)





	1. what's the use of feeling blue?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because inspiration comes out of me in wacky ideas from different fandoms. I just kept thinking "What if Riley found out about the committee and was super pissed?" And BAM! This story was formed!
> 
> The title comes from the song Migrains from Twenty One Pilots and I also do not own the quote used. One more thing, the title of the chapter is from the soundtrack of the cartoon Steven Universe! 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it!

_You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are._ **-Jeph Jacques**

* * *

_The Riley Committee._

She did not know how to feel about this thing that her friends made, to keep her stuck. At least, that's how she was grasping and trying to figure out her feelings.

She had no idea how to feel about this, her emotions as days passed ranged from angry to sad. It felt like an exhausting battle in her heart and mind. Not only that but it felt like a betrayal in Riley's view, one that she did not take lightly at all. For her, the Riley Committee felt like a curtain that finally opened in her eyes and she was angry. They decided to do this stupid committee just to keep her ignorant-and her dad was apart of it! 

Her trust was broke in them, all of them. It hurt remembering when she found out, they held a secret meeting after school, they thought she headed home not knowing that Riley had forgotten a textbook in her dad's class. She remembered them talking about how to help Riley be blissfully ignorant about whatever that could upset her ("To keep her all miss sunshine," Maya said in a happy tone. Happy to keep her still sunshine Riley for herself, for all of them.) She ran back home, they never knew what happened. Now here she was, hours later angry in her room. She lied and said she was starting to feel under the weather. She cocooned herself under her bed sheets, phone turned off and away from the entire world. 

Riley decided to ignore them as best as she could for the time being. The next day, Maya and the rest of the group tried to talk with her but she ignored them, shutting her phone off and going for a walk somewhere that nobody could find her. She started to isolate herself, bringing worried looks on her parents until she finally decided that isolation won’t do anything except bring her more misery.

So instead she walked around the streets until she deemed that enough time passed, avoiding her friends and family until it was time to eat dinner. During her walks, she tried to grapple with what was the Riley Committee but just did not know where to start with that labyrinth of a mess in her mind. She just didn’t know how too.

Maybe someone could?

Someone _outside_ the bubble…

* * *

She somehow made it to her Uncle Shawn's apartment, quickly entering through the door that was left open by a kind old man. She walked up to the steps and found his door. Knocking on it, Riley started to doubt herself.

_This is dumb, I shouldn't be bothering him._

_He could be busy, he won't care about me or my dumb problems._

The door swung open to reveal Shawn in the flesh, wearing a green t-shirt and black sweats pants.

" _Riley?_  " He looked surprised to see her alone. "What are you doing here?"

Riley did not know how best to put it, she just said, "You are the only person that wasn't part of that stupid committee. I can trust you."

Shawn closed the door behind him, thankful that he had his keys, wallet, and phone in his pockets. He could see that Riley was in some kind of distress over this committee. Without prying, Shawn took her to get some ice cream from the parlor that was on his street. Because nothing makes someone feel better than getting some ice cream, at least that’s Shawn’s motto. They ordered, mint chocolate for Riley and cookie dough for him and after they got their treats, began to walk around the busy streets of New York.

During their walk, Shawn carefully pried open Riley's situation with the committee. He was not expecting the explanation behind her troubles, he thought it was some dumb dance committee. Not this. This committee sounded horrible, especially for Riley as she was close to tears. Shawn wrapped an arm around the young girl. Riley wiped her tears with the sleeve of her purple hoodie. He felt for the kid, she didn't want this and he couldn't blame her for feeling the world was against her.

They walked around for a while longer, as Riley calmed down.

"Riley," Shawn said to the brunette. "I don't know why they would do this, it doesn't help you in any way. But what I can tell you is that outside of school, they can't stop you kid. Not that dumb committee or the world."

"What should I do?"

Ah, the million dollar question, there it was. This question must have been plaguing Riley for awhile since finding out about the committee. “I don’t know kid,” He told her honestly. “But whatever it is, it’s your choice. Remember that, _it’s your choice._ ”

With that, Shawn made sure she was safely brought back to her apartment. Riley asked her if she could text him and he said yes, more than happy to receive updates from her. It felt good, like a missing family member being brought back to her somehow.

Riley made it a habit of texting Shawn from time to time after there talk at the park. She talked to him more than she did with her own parents at the moment. Still, she tried putting on a facade at school only for it to crumble up when she made an excuse to go into the library or to the bathroom. Those extra moments of silence were liberating and peaceful. When she walked out of the bathroom to head back to her class she saw a flyer by the glass containing the trophies. Upon closer inspection Riley saw that it was for the swim team, they were hosting tryouts next week.

Shawn did say to do whatever she wanted, her choices, her life. Riley thought to herself.

She took a picture of the flyer and smiled as she headed to class. It felt like freedom for her. 

_How strange?_

_All it took for a committee that wanted to stunt her, for Riley to take charge of her own destiny... How strange, indeed._


	2. today, it's like I'm under a heavy cloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley is not okay, she's trying to get better until she does something reckless. Then everything is thrown out the window.

“If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”   
**― Criss Jami, [Killosophy](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/43973648)**

 

* * *

Something changed in Riley.  She could feel it take over her after the talk with Shawn, just not knowing if it was good or bad. It felt in-between for her, that somedays it was good and other days, she felt like she was just moving from one place to another without any real sense of directions. 

It was as if life was being sucked out of Riley every day. 

She still had the flyer for the swim team but fear stopped her. She was reminded of the cheerleading tryouts and wondered if she would be good enough once again. She could hear herself say,  _Don't bother._

_You'll look like a rejected mermaid._

_Don't embarrass yourself in a new school, you already did that in the old one._

To Riley, it felt like she was pummeling herself with her own hand or drowning. 

At least that's what it felt for her, as she kept on being swept out to sea with no life preserver in sight and drowning on the inside. Her sleep became a bit more restless but her grades were still well, homework done on time. Nothing to alarm anyone of anything yet. Still, she felt like shit.

But she looked at the swim tryouts flyer that was still in her room and threw it away.

There was no point for her.

Riley sat on a bench alone for lunch. Her mind kept running wild and then going out to sea once more, not knowing how it will return to her. She didn't even know how she could return to the sea, feeling that horrible feeling hit her once again. 

Some days it felt better to drown than to wake up. Those days scared her more. Those days, or any days there would be harshness from herself. About who she was, how much her parents really cared about her. 

 _Mommy and daddy don't care about you. Look at them, caring more about Auggie and Maya instead of their actual daughter._ It made her feel sick on the inside because Maya didn't have the best home-life so of course, she gravitated towards Riley's parents but she couldn't help but agree with this harsher version of herself. Always there to break herself down because it was easier that way, it felt easier. 

Four weeks passed, she still kept contact with Shawn but never told him her problems. She kept them inside until it exploded and it did. 

On the fourth week, Topanga was talking to someone, sounding happy as Riley stood in the doorway, her mom oblivious to her presence. She was about to say something when Topanga smiled, "Oh Maya, of course, I'd love to help you with it! When do you need it by sweetie?"

 

Riley walked back to her room, quietly closing the door as she felt the dark waves crash around her. There were anger and sadness intertwined inside her heart as she just stood there. 

_Nobody cares about you. Better leave._

_Leave?_ She thought silently. 

It wasn't too bad, maybe she could go to her grandparents in Philly.

She made up her mind, Riley was leaving. With that, she started to pack her stuff. Finding the old duffle bag that she used for cheer tryouts, Riley put clothes neatly in there making sure they all fit well. Then, she rummaged through the old piggy bank that she had in her closet. She saved a lot for a rainy day and today it would be put to use. She had enough for a ticket to Philly and then calling her grandparents to pick her up.

From there, well Riley will have to see. But now, as she went to get her stuff from the bathroom she was determined to leave.

* * *

Riley should have been in school.

Instead, after waking up earlier than her dad and leaving a note for her parents. Riley was in a taxi straight to the Greyhound bus station. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she blasted music in her headphones, one in her left ear while the other was dangling to listen to the driver. The guy told her she was here, paying him, Riley got her duffle bag and backpack close the door and walked up to the station. 

She checked her phone. It was now 7:30. Her first class should be starting right now and her dad would notice she wouldn't be here in class or not... Riley was sure her dad thought she was at school until he noticed that she wasn't in his class. That would be the last class of the day. 

Riley paid for a ticket to Philly and texted her grandmother a hello. She noticed that the bus would be leaving in twenty minutes, Riley quickly bought some cookies from the vending machine and a granola bar as her phone chimed. She made her way to her bus and boarder taking her stuff. She placed the duffle bag underneath her seat and used her backpack as a pillow. The front was spacious and not a lot of people were in the bus, making Riley feel like it was a victory. 

She checked her phone and noticed her grandmother telling her "how have you been" as any grandmother would. Riley said she was fine and was coming down for a visit today. That prompted questions from her grandmother but Riley reassured her that she was fine (not really) and that she was on the bus. She promised to text her, letting her know where to pick her up. Riley wondered if it was foolish of her to text her knowing that her grandparents were probably notifying her parents of her actions this instant. But Riley didn't care, she just wanted to leave.

The bus was now on, the engine alive. It pulled out of the station and Riley put in her headphones and played her music on her phone, unpausing the song.

_I just wanna scream and lose control_   
_Throw my hands up and let it go_   
_Forget about everything and run away, yeah_   
_I just want to fall and lose myself_   
_Laughing so hard it hurts like hell_   
_Forget about everything and run away, yeah_

The song that Avril Lavinge sang felt like something that was echoing what Riley was feeling. As she looked out the window to see the bus drive away from Manhattan, all Riley could feel was the sea try to sweep her under once again. 

It was still there.

When she finally arrived in Philly, it was almost ten. Riley texted her grandma and she got a reply letting her know that they would be waiting outside in a red car. Riley got her stuff once the bus was parked and the driver telling them to get off. 

All she could think of was,  _I did it. I actually did it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title for this chapter comes from the song Runaway by Avril Lavinge. Another chapter for this, I'm so happy that people have been enjoying it so far! 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!


	3. ten-thousand minds on fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley meets a new person as her mind messes with her. In New York, Shawn finds out what Riley did.

_"Who says paper worlds_  
_Are an escape from what is real?_  
_As though the lives trapped in their binding_  
_Are not ones that make you feel._  
_For sometimes our greatest lessons_  
_Come from those with ink for skin,_  
_Who reach beyond the page_  
_To take our hand and pull us in."_

**― Erin Hanson**

* * *

The drive to her grandparent's house was filled with worried glances as Riley looked out the winder viewing her parent's hometown.

"Riley?" Her grandpa said breaking the spell that was in the car. She looked at them. "Kiddo, is something going on at home? What's with the sudden magic trick to visit us?" He tried to joke but Riley could hear something else.

 _They hate you._ She said to herself. Already she couldn't escape the hurtful words she threw herself under. She had gotten texts from her friends and one from Shawn who was asking her about her day. He had no idea what she did.

"Just wanted to visit," She said in her " _Smiley-Riley_ " tone of voice. Her grandpa raised an eyebrow through the rearview mirror at her. "In the middle of the week?" He questioned her.

Riley didn't say anything just shrug.

The house that her dad grew up in looked the same, on the inside and outside to be exact. Grandma leads her to the first guest room, Uncle Eric's old room. It was cozy and looked nothing like any teenager from the '90s would put in there. Riley jumped on the blue comforter of the bed letting her bag flop next to her.

She still couldn't believe she ran away from home all the way to Philadelphia. It was a miracle that her grandparents haven't taken her back yet. She hoped they didn't, she didn't want to go back to New York where questions will be asked and her answers won't make any sense to them. To her, they did.

Her grandmother called her down to have some lunch. It was still early, probably around afternoon. Which meant her friends must be wondering where she could be, Riley did get some texts from Farkle, Lucas, Maya, and Zay asking for her whereabouts. All Riley said was that she was sick at home.

That was a lie, one that would break later on as the day progressed back at school. But Riley was here, away from everyone. It was enough to give her some peace as her mind kept up its storm.

* * *

They danced around the obvious question: _Why did you run away from home Riley?_

She did not know how to tell them because it would be the exact same thing with her parents. That nothing was going on and that she was fine, she just missed her grandparents very much.

Her mind wouldn't shut up. The criticism kept coming as her day continued, as she ate dinner with her grandparents and forced smiles as they asked about her friends.

"Lucas is dating Maya now." _Maybe it's for the better._

"Maya and I are still friends, yes." _Not after what she did, founding the committee._

It wasn't all talk about Riley. Apparently, her grandparents were renting a room for a family friend's kid of her parents. She was starting her third year in college having graduated a year early in High School a few years back. "She is the daughter of your parent's old friend, Rachel's daughter."

She was renting her dad's old room while working to get her BA at Drexel University. Her name was Reagan and she sounded so much cooler than Riley.

It felt like the sea just kept going, dragging her out to sea and drown her only to release her and start again. She still couldn't sleep, staring at the walls of the guest room she slept in. When she went to bed after being fed so much food and a good bowl of ice cream, Riley opened her laptop.

 _"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, do I look like Mother Teresa?"_ were the words that Heather Chandler spoke to Veronica Swayer as Riley watched Heathers for the first time far away from New York. She could see why this was called a cult-classic, the Heathers seemed to be a dark vision of high school intertwined in a dark humor movie. Out of all of the good lines (and there were a lot of memorable ones), the one that Heather Chandler said was one that Riley couldn't stop quoting in her head.

If she could, she would probably have picked it for her Senior quote.

She fell asleep dreaming of the Heathers, her home and the mysterious daughter of Rachel McGuire.

When she woke up, Riley was greeted by a young woman who she realized was Courtney.

She was a few inches taller than Riley, her hair was done in a fishtail braid. She wore a red t-shirt with blue jeans and black heeled boots and was watching CNN on her laptop when she spotted Riley.

"Hi, you must be Riley. Mrs. Matthews told me you were visiting," She said giving Riley a warm smile. Riley could only nod her head. "Well, your grandparents left me in charge of you, so whatever you wanna do we can do it."

"Where are my grandparents?" She asked her. "Grocery store run and they went to go get flowers to fix up the backyard more."

Riley moved to make herself a bowl of cereal as the girl continued to talk. "I'm going to the bookstore to sell old textbooks, I wanted to know if you'd want to come with me? Find something you like at the store while I sell my shit."

She did have nothing to do, so she agreed.

"Oh, god!" She shook her head. "I almost forgot to give you my name!"

"My name is Reagan."

* * *

Riley found out a few things from Reagan Monroe-McGuire.

Her dad had passed away in a battle about two years ago. She was studying to join the FBI, she loves cats and loved reading. Other stuff Riley didn't know about the older girl and she was surprised about not knowing about her. Apparently, her mom was an old classmate of her parents and was stationed in Ukraine, Reagan was adopted by her parents when she was thirteen.

"Did you live in Ukraine or here?" Riley asked her. "I lived in Ukraine but I was born in California, my mom couldn't keep me anymore when she moved here so she gave me up. A few years later, my parents adopted me when they came back to the states and then moved to Ukraine once the paperwork was filed and I was officially part of their family," It made Riley smile at the story even though her thoughts weren't all that to smile about.

_Typical that mom and dad never told you this._

She drove them to a bookstore called, _Thirty-two thousand minds on fire_. It was a small looking store on the outside only for when Riley opened, it was huge, spacious place. Reagan told Riley to go pick out whatever books she wanted, "Two is the limit. If you don't find me here still selling, I'll be in the true-crime or psychology section."

With that, Reagan hauled her textbooks to the front to sell. So many books to see and find for her as she flickered through the Young Adult section only to wander to the Non-Fiction section. There was one that caught her eye in the Presidential Section, a blue and white book.

On the spine, there were only three names.

 **Jackie, Ethel, and Joan: The Women of Camelot** **by J. Randall Tamborelli** the book said. She took it, seeing the three most famous women of the era called Camelot. Riley then wandered back to the YA section once again, and as she looked a yellow spine caught her eye. On it said **Pretty Little Liars**.

"Hey," Reagan's voice startled her as she read the summary of the yellow book on the side. On the front, it had a doll with the title of the book in pink cursive letters and on the back it had the actual girl that looked exactly like the doll. "You find anything?"

Riley noticed the older girl had her wallet stuff with cash and she seemed to find a huge book. **The Cases That Haunt Us** , was what Riley could see in Reagan's arms. She followed Reagan to the Psychology section as the older girl tried to find another book.

"What grade are you in?" She felt stupid saying it out loud. _Stupid questions asked by a stupid girl._ Reagan's merely smiled, "I'm in my third year but I should actually be in my second year because of my age." She was merely nineteen but had skipped a grade. "So you are smart?"

Reagan's laughed. "Yeah, you could say that. Damn, I can't find it." She said out loud with a frown. "Alright, to the fiction aisle! I need to find one more book."

The older girl ran her fingers through each spine of the book, her hazel eyes searching meticulously for something until she squatted down. "Ah-ha! Found it!" She grinned as she plucked a thick looking book. Riley could see that the book had the same author as the other books next to it. "A Storm of Swords," Riley said out loud. "I'm guessing its a series?"

Reagan nodded. "It is, I haven't finished the first one but I like to be ahead. I ordered the last two books on Amazon but the third one would have cost a lot for my poor credit card, so this is pretty cheap."

Riley looked at the order of the books and found the first one. It looked pretty, grey color and when Riley took it from the shelf, it had a sword on the front with the title reading, **A Game of Thrones**.

"Take it," Reagan said as she slowly got up. She groaned, "I'm getting old!" Which made Riley giggle.

She was uncertain considering she had two books and remembering Reagan saying that two was the max of books she could get. "Hey, I break my book-limit rule all the time. Its no problem, I have enough cash to buy us this and I never turn away from my fellow bookworms." That eased Riley's mind and she balanced the three books in her arms.

They returned back to the psychology section one more time and then to the True Crime section, after a few minutes Reagan came out victorious as she held up a book. "Found it! Just had to look harder in the True Crime section."

 _Serial Killers_ was written on the shelf, miles of books on different killers. Riley wondered what section of the FBI, Courtney was wanting to join.

They went to the register and placed the six books on for Reagan to pay. Before the lady could ring up, Reagan plucked a bookmark with a whale splashing. It read, _Books are a Whale-of a Time!_

Reagan paid for it and handed Riley her bag of books and Reagan grabbed hers. They walked out, as they did she gave Riley the bookmark. "Here ya go, that way you won't lose your page."

As she was placing her credit card back in her wallet, Riley saw her drivers license. It had her picture and her full name. Reagan Sydney Monroe-McGuire.

"Now how about we get back and I can introduce you to Game of Thrones unless you have another show you watch?"

"I'm watching American Horror Story," Riley said somewhat shyly to the older woman. Her eyes brightened up. "I love that show! What season are you on?"

That's how they chatted about both shows, and how the newest season of the show was crazier. Reagan unlocked the door and saw that Riley's grandparents were home. Her grandmother was in the kitchen on the phone, she waved at both girls who waved back. Once putting her new books on the shelf, she noticed Reagan had her textbook out, a thick psychology book and the one about serial killers. Highlighter in hand, she was dragging the yellow tip on the words.

She didn't want to disturb the older girl in her work, but when Reagan spotted her, she beckoned Riley over. "Just getting ahead of my class, psychology is an interesting subject if you want to go into that field when you get to college."

Riley nodded. "What part of the FBI do you want to work in?"

"BAU, that means I'll be an FBI profiler. Hence why I'm studying psychology."

"But why the crime books?"

"I'm also getting a minor in Criminology. It'll look good and it's interesting to learn if you can stomach it." Reagan said. "Now, how about we watch some AHS. What season are you on?"

For a moment, Riley almost forgot why she was here and she wished it could stay that way. But it was just like that, for only a moment before the waves drowned her once more.

* * *

"Riley ran away to Philly."

Shawn almost thought it was a stupid joke until he got to Corey's apartment and noticed that his friends face when he walked in. It was just a day after she ran and it was a deathly silence in the Matthews household.

They knew where she was, she was in Philly with her grandparents but why she did it? They had no clue. Her friends didn't know, coming by for any information on their friend, letting her parents know that Riley hadn't answered their text messages today. Shawn hadn't texted her, only messages he received were ones from Angela.

She was in town and they were going to catch up but now he had Riley on his mind, worried about the poor kid. Ever since that day she came over crying about her problems, Shawn was worried about her. Corey's parents were keeping an eye on her and Eric, once he got wind had told them something.

"Rachel will be in town, she's visiting her kid for a few days. I'll let her know and see if she can keep an eye on Riles for us."

Corey argued that he should go down there but Eric said that he has a job. "You and Topanga can head down on the weekend, if it makes you feel any better, Shawn and I can go there Thursday. Rachel should be there tomorrow morning, I'll let her know what's going on."

Shawn agreed and texted Angela what was going on. She asked if she could be of any help.

 _Do you want to come to Philadelphia?_ Was his question and her quick reply was, _Yes._

* * *

The first book that Riley read was the small yellow one.

 _HOW IT ALL STARTED-_ the title of the first chapter read. It hooked her in instantly in this fictional town called Rosewood in Pennsylvania, close to Philadelphia. The irony for her as she was in Philly at the moment but Rosewood seemed much more interesting with its secrets these girls held. She felt an escape, mentally into this vastly different world like when she watched her shows. The way the author described the scene was captivating and Riley couldn't put it down.

Just like Riley who had her secrets-that, she knew about that committee and that something wasn't right with her. But with all secrets-both good and bad-they are kept away until they are brought back up for all to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the title of this chapter from a bookstore that I visited in Berkely California last month. Thought that it was a cool title for this chapter. Hope you guys enjoy it, and Reagan is my OC, she has a small but important part. Next chapter, we meet Rachel and Angela.


	4. please don't ask me how I've been, don't make me play pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a rather dark turn for Riley. The Sea takes her down under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? MEEEE! 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: Mentions of self-harm in this chapter. Trigger warning for my readers, I do not go into graphic detail but it is underlined there. nonetheless, this is a warning in case. You are not alone in this fight, believe me, I've been fighting depression and anxiety for a long time. You are not alone, you are loved. :)

_"And then something invisible snapped insider her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart."_

**― John Green, Looking for Alaska**

* * *

Riley woke up the next day wonder where Reagan was since she did not see the older girl at breakfast. She had slept in, reading Pretty Little Liars and finishing it around midnight. She was already planning on buying the whole series soon, both the Pretty Little Liars series and the Game of Thrones or as the series was _called-A Song Of Ice and_ _Fire_. She had started reading all three books but had to stop. So she decided to keep reading the Game of Thrones one and put on hold the other ones.

She was on page 272, Tyrion Lannister has just been captured by Catelyn Stark and it was getting interesting, to say the least for Riley. Reagen was on the couch, her glasses on as some show was playing on her laptop.

Riley could hear her giggle as the British man spoke on the screen.

"What are you watching?" Riley asked her. Reagen paused the video, turning around to look at the other girl. The older girl's hair was up in a sloppy bun, a black t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Her glasses were crystal clear as she looked at Riley.

"Old videos of Last Week Tonight With John Oliver."

Riley nodded and told her that she was going to go eat breakfast. Reagen unpaused the video and laughed at what the comedian said about the president. She made herself a bowl of cereal, pouring in the Honey Smacks, milk and then sitting at the small table. She opened her book and continued reading while eating. She could hear Reagan start another video, then pause it. The door opened, Reagen balancing on her laptop was a plastic bag, her grin wide even though her eyes looked tired with bags underneath them.

She placed the bag in front of Riley, her face full of confusion at this. "Open it," The older girl said cheerfully to her. Riley did and gasped. Inside was four thick books, Riley recognized the green one that Reagan bought the day before yesterday. The yellow one read _A Clash Of Kings._ Riley got up and hugged her. "Thank you!"

"You are very welcome," Reagen said to her. "Found these for the low price of only twenty bucks from a student at my friend's dorm that was trying to sell some of her old books. Recognized them and got them for you since you are just starting the first one, you'll need the rest to follow. Tried finding the Pretty Little Liar series, if it was there but no dice."

Riley shook her head, the smile still plastered on her face. "No, it's fine. Thank you, Reagan."

"Anytime kid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish my research paper." She returned to sit down in front of her, putting on her headphones and watching the video. Riley ran her finger over the cover, it was smooth.

It was peaceful here.

As she continued to read she felt that the pessimistic side of her got to her- _"Something is going to happen, something bad."_

It continued to plague her even as she tried to distract herself with her books, the shows, and even the old 60s music. She tired but even with that, she felt tired. She tried to ignore it but restless nights and the plaguing dark cloud made her think more of what she thought. That all her friends were probably done with Riley, messed up Riley.

Something was going to happen and how right she was. She felt the darkness choke her, waves kept drowning her and she wanted to drown with them. So, after dinner when she was about to take a shower and spied some of the razors her grandpa used, her heart was beating fast. She took one and touched it to her left arm. Poking it until she drew a bit of blood and dragged the first line.

Riley didn't feel anything and felt nothing.

It scared her.

* * *

"Riley, I'd like you to meet Rachel McGuire," Her grandma said introducing her parents' old friend to her. Rachel was a blond and very pretty person with a kind smile as she hugged Riley and cheerfully said, "Wow it's a mini Corey... maybe a mini Topanga? Either way, you are a mini-me of your parents."

"It's nice to meet you," Riley responded. Her wrist burned slightly from the cut that she made for herself. She cried after in her room, promising herself that she would never do it again. Never again.

Her grandmother and Rachel chatted while Reagen typed away on her laptop but still contributing to the conversation. Riley felt useless to the conversation so she just continued to read but stopped as the conversation steered to her parents. Apparently, her Uncles Shawn and Eric were heading up to Philly to get Riley. Anxiety spiked in her but kept her eyes on the book.

She pretended to be oblivious until her Grandmother called her name.

"Riley?"

Her head shot up and she braced herself for something, anything. Instead, she was asked what she'd liked to eat for dinner, they were going out to eat.

Riley smiled weakly and said, "A burger."

* * *

When Shawn and Eric arrived, Riley had been outside. She could hear loud greetings from a bunch of people. It was muffled by the music she was listening to as she continued to read A Game Of Thrones. She was almost finished with it!

She had just turned the page to Daenerys' chapter when a hand landed on her shoulder. Turning, she thought it might have been Eric or Shawn, instead, it was-"Dad?"

Corey Matthews gave her a big smile. Behind him was Topanga, Eric, and Shawn with a woman standing next to Shawn. She was very pretty, Riley thought to herself.

"Time to go home," He said in his voice the brokered no arguments.

All Riley could hear was the howl of the sea and she felt a big weight slam her to the bottom of the sea.

Her mom asked her about the scratch on her arm but her grandmother mentioned that Riley had gotten a scratch by the old tabby cat that belonged to one of the neighbors. It was a lie that Riley had told her grandparents the day before and it continued to spread.

She packed her stuff like a robot and her body on autopilot as she said her goodbyes. Reagan gave her number to Riley to call and it almost made her cry. Her grandparents hugged her and she hugged back but no strength in it. Her books that Reagan had given to her were put in this tote bag that the older girl had gotten her, the last gift.

It was black with the words white on the front and back.

On it, the words were, _Valar Morghulis_ and on the other side was _Dracarys._

For some reason, Riley found them fitting even though she had no idea what they meant she would in time.

As she left to get into her parent's car, Shawn asked her how she has been.

Riley wanted to laugh and scream at the same time. All she did was smile and say, "Fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of this chapter is from Paramore's song, Fake Happy.


End file.
